I've been going through a MOMENT

This moment has consisted largely of caring not one whit what the rest of my face is doing as long as my lips are pouty and lacquered. 

My greatest tip for pulling off really shiny thick lipgloss is this: hack off all your hair. No one has time for unpeeling strands of hair from one's goopy glue lips.  

The current fave is Soap & Glory's Sexy Mother Pucker Extreme-Plump XL, an almost-clear gloss that isn't as sticky as the regular version. Because it's a milky-looking gloss but stimulates blood flow to the lips, it actually makes for a lovely natural rose-pink lip, if you have naturally rosy lips like mine. While it tingles like a good red curry, it somehow leaves my lips softer instead of chapped. (Learn from this, Thai food.) It does an A++ job of filling in lip lines, though it's no substitute for actual, y'know, injections.